Have you ever had one of those moments when you’ve got a thumping headache, you’re due to pick the kids up from school and you’re just dreading the level of noise?

I got the kids from school and, as predicted, there was a regurgitation of ‘mummy’, ‘mummy’, ‘excuse me, mummy’. Yes, well done darling, you said excuse me.

I asked the older one to entertain the others whilst I had a lie down, one ear open. Yes, this does happen and it’s okay. I listened to the general brawl downstairs and had a keen focus on how the older one was managing to diffuse the volatile situation with his sisters, Trudy (who has some communication difficulties) and Georgie (who is 3 and a ball of dysregulation, impulse and pure emotion).

Having spent the day talking about the zones of regulation for work, I wanted to be explicit about the strategies we use to diffuse potentially challenging situations with Trudy. Mine are seriously simplifying my language, getting down to her level and giving her time to process what is happening. Her brother’s, as I listened from upstairs, was quite the opposite. It wasn’t calm or simplified. It wasn’t considered or empathetic. It was just pure distraction. ‘Trudy, why don’t we build a fort!’ ‘Let’s put the tidy up rhumba song’ (if you don’t know this song yet, it’s brilliant and works every time). Or he just jumps on her.

Okay, I’m not saying this is the best way to deescalate a situation, but it goes to show that relationships matter, that it isn’t one size fits all and one strategy works all the time. Different people will help Trudy to regulate in different ways depending on their own approach and their own skills. Mine is calmness, not fort-building unfortunately.